Stephen and I have been dreaming a lot about marriage, getting back to basics and what our future holds. At one time, I thought all I wanted out of life was a sweet little family, a great community and a home. Now...I'm thinking in so many directions. Do I want more? I'm so underwater from the divorce, I don't know, sometimes, if I'll ever catch up to where I was financially. The thought of Stephen and I having summers off as educators is exciting, but the financial realities have me wondering about adjunct teaching and if it's what I really want.
With the strikes in Chicago, I wonder if this country will ever value academia like it should. I wonder if I'm wasting time with theory and making art. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should go back to the mindless design work I left and join the rat race again; have benefits, retirement, bonuses.
But, then...I remember the readings. I remember the loaded histories from my textbooks. I see work in a space or exhibition that changes my thinking and I remember how much I want to be a part of that change in my community. I love when Stephen tells me about the students in his classes and the stuff he's teaching them. I love that a kid can pick up Mango Street and find their voice or that he can teach them to write a persuasive essay that might one day afford them a job or a house. I want my life's work to echo that kind of service as well.
I think about the fact that, even though life has dealt us both harsh hands in our divorces and finances, that we have surrogate communities and "kids" through our teaching. We are blessed with our health and our minds are sharp. We have stability in our faith and in our friendship.
I want to rest. I want to be still. But...
The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost
2 comments:
I read something today that made me think of you - can't remember exactly what it was, but something about pursuing beauty, not always being practical and taking time to enjoy and create art and other things that God has given to us, if for no other reason than to enjoy the sheer beauty of it. And you, my friend, create that beauty with your art (and even your words), and the beauty you create isn't just something that looks pretty - it's something that inspires and encourages and wows. Don't give up, friend, though the road is rough. I really believe He gifted you as an artist, and He will provide a way for you to create. Though finances seem like they're kicking your butt, don't forget that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills... or the many other times in your life and mine when He has, against all odds, provided for each of us in ways we never fathomed. (My dad did my taxes one year and gaped, "How on earth are you SURVIVING on this little money??") I believe God's grace makes it possible, and He is not done with either of you yet!
Anyway, I loved this post. Beautfiul writing. Love the ending to it.
...And know, too, that it isn't just your work that reflects the kind of service you want - your very life does. I know few people who are more giving, more loving, more merciful than you, and that's something that is a reflection of God Himself working in you, creating you to be the person He made you to be. I love you, friend - don't give up on your dream!!
-C
<3
Susan Sontag once said that the "only interesting answers are those that destroy the questions." I think art stopped looking for beauty at the dusk of Romanticism and now embraces the function of pursuing existential questions. Great artists keep reframing those questions.
Every time I photograph something, I am inquiring. Curiosity doesn't necessarily put food on the table, but I imagine it leaves us the legacy of more questions—which make us grow as people.
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Thank you, as always, for the encouragement, my dearest friend. I do believe God has more power over finances than my worrying brain. xoxoxoxoox Miss you...tons.
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