I started premarital counseling with Stephen this past Monday and so many things have been rushing around in my mind since. These thoughts make me want to seek out counseling on my own after we are married. There are things I still can't let go of...
I'm with a man now that loves God with his whole heart, truly loves me and wants for my happiness. It is like winning the husband lottery. I'm slowly coming out of the darkest period of my life. You would think I'd be running for the sunlight streaming in. But, it's hard to trust again. It's hard to forget where I was. Stephen is also haunted by the rejection from his first marriage.
I really think divorce is worse than any death you can imagine. If you haven't been through it, you cannot begin to understand how it feels. I keep thinking of what it would be like to tear a person down the middle of themselves and that kind of destruction is divorce in a nutshell; parts of you are never the same.
I meet people everyday that seem to be untouched by tragedy. They seem impervious to life's dips and lead what seem like charmed lives. Their voices are more assured. Their faces are smoother from the absence of worry. They look at our drama and dismiss it passively. My divorce makes me feel harder than I am. I was once living in that world, too. I want to go back there—to a place where I'm not damned to repeat things in my dreams or cry just a little too long during the sad parts of movies.
I am still so angry. Sometimes when it storms or when I'm upset about something else, it wells up in me. When I see people moving on about their lives without a care, I get indignant. I think, "How could you just sit there and eat your sandwich?"...."People are suffering! People are hurting! You are part of it!"
This, of course, makes me feel nuts. And I imagine it makes me look nuts, too.
Talking to Stephen was the first time I ever felt like I wasn't alone in my divorce and that I wasn't crazy. Our first conversations were so intense I felt like he was reading my mind. Here was this guy with an IQ of 146 and was locked in his room from the pain of it all. No one around him really understood the loss he was feeling; what it feels like to be abandoned and lose everything. Everyone was moving forward and he was frozen.
I met him in a kind of frozenness as well. My partner and best friend just quit on me. And to make matters worse, he turned away from our faith and began acting in such a hurtful way that I felt like I was living with a villain. It was absolutely terrifying. I did all I could to wake up everyday and not end my life.
And Stephen understood intimately. And what's more, he encouraged me not to turn away from God. He prayed for my husband to come back. This man that prayed for my ex-husband will one day become my new husband. The poetry of this is remarkable.
and now... all I want to do is start over. I want to do things right this time.
___________________
That day I carried the dream around like a full glass of water, moving gracefully so I would not lose any of it. ― Miranda July, No One Belongs Here More Than You
3 comments:
Oh, Tam.... :( Though I have never been through this and I can't imagine all the pain and ache, I do know that it must be unbearable at times, and I am so sorry both of you have to walk this path, sorry that anyone does. It pains me to see you go through this - and though I'm grateful that God has brought the two of you together, I also know that, as you have said before, it's not the ideal. No matter what anyone says or how anyone dismisses what you both have gone through, it's a heartbreaking loss that leaves you changed forever. I hate divorce, and I hate how it destroys. If you had not been changed by this, Tammy, I would be more concerned than by the fact that you ARE changed by it. I, too, have met people who seem to be flippant about it... but if there's one thing I've been painfully reminded of this week, especially, it's that things are not always what they seem. Maybe they don't know how to process the pain they've been dealt and just cover it somehow....
But in any case, Tam, I'm glad the counseling is going well, and I pray that you will both find healing in it, as well as strength for the new journey ahead of you. I love you, friend....
-C
I love you, friend. lots.
Human value.
This is something I think about a lot. When you are left in a divorce—you are devalued. When you are paid too little or your job is outsourced to China—you are devalued. When you are looked down on, because of the social or economic hand you've been dealt—you are devalued. When you are different and people don't know what to do with you—you are devalued.
America is this place where we talk a lot about value. We place value on the sexiness of a movie star or compete to see who can give us the best price on a flatscreen TV. We've become so good at assessing value that we even try to make our relationships more efficient. We exchange our spouses for upgraded versions. We move on to new jobs without any loyalty to our employer, because the pay is better. We throw people away like dated concepts useless materials.
This is why I want to photograph people. I want them to be seen and valued.
Post a Comment