I can't start over in some ways...My divorce still colors the way I see relationships.
This weekend, I got a call from my Mom and grandparents and ultimately learned the news that my Grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed beyond what my grandfather can handle. Grandma may be in a home by Christmas. She is sick, not eating and doesn't remember him at all. They were married over sixty years ago...I've seen them fight. I've seen their affections burn and wane. I've seen them laugh and sing and tell jokes together like a variety show act...I've seen the legacy of marriage in their lives together. It's what I wanted for my own marriage.
Back in 2009, at a residency with Rineke Dijkstra, I photographed them in Florida dancing to a song called Nosotros by Eydie Gorme. Rineke was insistent that it was important to continue recording my family, even though it didn't seem like "art"... I can't thank her enough for her encouragement. It was something that changed me. It reads now like a lost love letter. The words still tug at my heart and resonate like thunder.
Atiéndeme
Listen (pay attention) to me
Listen (pay attention) to me
Quiero decirte algo
I want to tell you something
que quizá no esperes
that perhaps you are not expecting
doloroso tal vez
painful maybe
Escúchame
listen to me
Aunque me duele el alma
even my soul hurts
yo necesito hablarte
I need to talk to you
y así lo haré
and so I will
Nosotros
Us
que fuimos tan sinceros
that we're so sincere
que desde que nos vimos
that since we saw each other (since we met)
amándonos estamos
loving each other we are
Nosotros
Us
que del amor hicimos
that from love we made
un sol maravilloso
a wonderful sun
romance tan divino
so divine a romance
Nosotros
Us
que nos queremos tanto
that we love each other so much
debemos separarnos
we must separate
no me preguntes más
dont ask me more
No es falta de cariño
is not lack of love
Te quiero con el alma
I love you with my soul
Te juro que te adoro
I swear to you that I adore you
y en nombre de este amor
and in the name of this love
y por tu bien te digo adiós
and for your sake I say goodbye
I took my marriage vows seriously. In our culture where the moral spectrum of choices seem to skew with popular opinion, there just seem to be so few of those kinds of promises left. Being honorable enough to live out a promise like that is a rare and beautiful pursuit that I believe is rewarded. It transcends fleeting emotion, fleshly desires and most importantly–-ourselves.
My grandfather is aching and knows that they are both close to the end. Spending time with Stephen's parents and watching his mother battle the same illness and watching his father be a caregiver like my grandfather is achingly familiar. 3k miles from home and I see the same sweet, but difficult goodbye.
In my search to see if God is real...In my search to know him intimately...I want to ask him about these goodbyes. I want to know how to do it gracefully. I want to ask him how he gives us this tremendous capacity to care--just to say goodbye over and over again.
2 comments:
I stumbled upon this post today, and was very touched. Thanks for sharing these stories and thoughts. I agree with you about the importance and power of making a forever promise. I hope that in your search for God, you find Him and that you will find comfort in Him, who never breaks his promises. God Bless You!
*Beam*
Thanks so much. ;) <3
Post a Comment